I have never been completely comfortable in my own skin. For as long as I can remember, I have always cared about what others think about me. I couldn’t leave my house without being in full make-up. If someone said they didn’t like something I was wearing, I would never be seen with it again. I would try to act how I believed the person or people I was with wanted me to act to try to “fit in” but I never ever really felt like I did. Through high school and beyond I never understood why I couldn’t make or keep friends. Even today, at age 41, I don’t have one person I can call a true friend. Someone I can call to vent about my day, or who will be there for me in a minute if I needed her. And up until about a week ago, if someone had asked me why I didn’t have any friends my answer would have been the same as it would have been in high school. “I’m unlovable.” This past year has been the worst I think I have ever had. Prior to 2019 I was doing great. I was renting a house for me and my two kids. I had a good job and a boyfriend that made me feel like a princess. Life couldn’t get any better! But then Prince Charming turned into a frog. We started fighting a lot. One fight was so bad that I was afraid it would affect my kids so I asked him to leave my house. Well, apparently he did not like being “rejected” so he went to the police station and told the police that I had stolen one of his credit cards and used it without his permission. REALLY??? That was the beginning of the end of my great life. I was at work when the police came to arrest me. I was humiliated! Then I was fired. Now, my self esteem has never ever been very high, but when I lost my job over something the “love of my life” had done out of spite, it had hit an all-time low. No job meant I couldn’t make rent, pay bills or even feed my kids. I held out as long as I could, but I wasn’t able to get a good job fast enough so we had to leave our house and move in with my ex-husband. This broke my heart more than Prince Charming had. But I was determined to get back on my feet. I had done it once, I could do it again, or so I thought. But 2019 almost succeeded in finally breaking me. I got a great job, but was laid-off a few months later. Then I got another job but was fired (along with 3 other people and we found out later it was so they wouldn’t have to pay us unemployment.) So my pity party grew and grew. Don’t get me wrong, I was totally grateful to my ex for taking us in and giving us a roof over our heads, but I had gone from being totally independent and happy with a great job and friends and a house to living with my ex-husband who had to know where I was at all times to who I was talking to on the phone to what time I was leaving work and if I was late getting home he had to know why. Now I couldn’t even keep a job to be able to leave the house at all! I hated life. I cried constantly. I was so depressed and all I could think of was this kept happening to me because I was “unlovable” I had no self esteem at all left and I was doing my kids no good. I couldn’t even muster up the energy to leave my room anymore. What was the point? It was impossible for me to ever be truly happy. I couldn’t keep a job. I couldn’t keep a boyfriend. I didn’t even have one girlfriend I could call to talk to. I was done. I wasn’t going to continue on with this life. I had it all planned out. I was going to leave early the next morning and go to the train station and jump. Everyone would be better off without me. No more supporting me when I couldn’t support myself. No more pity party. It would all be okay after I jumped. It was the first time in a week that I didn’t cry myself to sleep. And then it was the first time in a week that I slept through the night. That night was the best night sleep I had had in months. And I owe thanks to the Goddess. When I woke up the next morning I knew I was changed. How had I not seen the answer was right in front of me the whole time? I had been collecting books and tools and trinkets all relating to Wicca for years. I knew it was calling me but I never fully heard it. I knew it was something I would like to explore but I never did. Why? I don’t know the answer and maybe if I had studied Wicca all those years ago my life would be different, but all I can come up with is maybe I wasn’t ready. Well now I am ready. The Goddess saved me that night and the only way I can thank her is to heed her calling. I am ready and I’m going to document my entire experience in hopes that I can help someone else. And so begins my real story…..
1. How The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life Began
Published by Kristy
I am a 41 single mother of 2 teenage boys. The last 17 years of my life have been dedicated solely to them. I wouldn’t have it any other way. My kids saved my life and I am forever a dedicated mother. But I have always felt that something was missing in my life. I could never figure out what it was. I should have known. Looking back, all the signs were there. I don’t know why I couldn’t see them. I guess I wasn’t ready. But now that my kids are (almost) grown, it’s time for me to work on me This is my personal journey to Wicca. This blog is to document everything I have experienced from the moments leading up to my decision to where I am today (which as I am writing this, is exactly one week ago). The purpose of this blog is not to educate you about Wicca, or to be any way informational. There are plenty of websites out there that are much better suited to teach the ways of Wicca. My purpose is only to document my personal experience so that 1) I can look back and see how I have grown thanks to Wicca and the God and Goddess, and 2) So that anyone else struggling with anything in life, be it depression, religion, an identity crisis or any other of the billion issues plaguing us today, can maybe read this and be inspired to find their own new path in life. Even if I don’t manage to help anyone, I know I have taken the first steps in helping myself. This is my story. View more posts
From Waning to Wiccan 